August 15, 2010
Mostly, I thank God everyday for giving me my brokenness, so that I can share my story with others who are struggling. I thank God for showing me what is true, and right, and pure, and lovely. I thank him for loving me unconditionally and walking with me. God has great plans for me and my life. I am not 100% exactly sure what they are, but he will show me the way, "for I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength" (Philippians 4:13).
October 4, 2011
I wrote this blurb over a year ago. My life has changed drastically since this time. However, these words still remain true. These words of thankfulness are my daily prayer to God. Over a year ago, I had no idea that I would lose my best friend from a tragic accident. I had no idea that I would fall in love. Mostly, I had no idea that I would fall in love with a man who loves Jesus Christ so passionately, who would take the time to listen to God and to follow His will to fight for me. God always directs and guides us to a path that is true, right, pure, and lovely. God of all, creator of the heavens and the earth, spoke to mi amore’s heart and awoke him at the perfect time to meet his equally yoked companion. The 23 Psalm states, “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me.” God gives us our tangible partner in life to walk the steep cliffs and to be a companion for each other, so that when evil presents itself wickedness we are able to press on and overcome any obstacle.
I recommend listening to Tim Matson’s music. This music has helped me release many of my tears over the past year. One of my favorite lyrics states, “Let His heart surround you, let His arms protect you, let His love give you something, I could never find… Man that I never was.” Through the tears, I was longing for God to hold me, to protect me. I prayed and longed for God to bless me with someone who would fill that earthly role for me. As the song continues Tim sings, “So let my heart surround you, let my arms protect you, let my love give you something, you could never find.” This song displays how God wanted me to fully rely on him. How God wanted to prove to me that He loved me unconditionally, before he could bless me with my tangible companion. God allows our love to grow in a spiritual relationship through the love of Christ.
Thank you Lord for preparing my heart to be the perfect companion for mi amore. Lord we all have our own battles, please let us grow richly and maturely through your redemptive grace.
Please visit Tim Matson’s website and listen to his music: http://www.reverbnation.com/play_now/song_4700199.
My favorite songs include: You and I, and Run to You.
The light of life and God speed to you mi amigo.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Zachary's Story
Rebekah warned me: “Big things happen during Pathways. I’m get excited but preparing myself for what is to come.” I wanted to make this journey count, and thus I made a personal promise to myself. I was going to focus on my intimate relationship with God. I did not want to think about other personal relationships, but only focus on what God was going to do with me as his daughter. I wanted to experience the love of God like never before. I prayed a dangerous prayer and asked him to take me out farther than I had ever been before.
For our community devotional, God had placed on my heart to write about relationships. God allowed me to attend Rebekah’s Growth Group that focused on God’s love. God wanted me to write about my struggles of overcoming my struggle with food and my relationships with my ex boyfriend, now best friend Zachary. I went against God and wrote a different devotional. I sent the first to Dan and he replied to me that he needed me to go farther. I finally obeyed, and asked God to give me the words to write about my life, especially my struggles with relationships. I wrote the devotional, for the first time being public about my personal struggles. Despite my fear of what the community would think, I wrote the words that God put on my heart.
On October 11th, the first day of week five (the focus being Relational), Zachary died tragically. Two weeks before this happened, I had the opportunity to see him. We were lying on his bed, when I kissed him. He stopped me and asked me “what are we doing?” He continued and said, “Jessica, you made a promise to God not to be with me, and to give your heart to him. I do not want to be the person who breaks that promise.” I was shocked, confused, thrown off guard. Never had Zach refused me to be intimate with me. He took me in his arms and said, “Jessica, I am sacrificing for you.” Upon hearing those Christ like words, I wept. God had sacrificed his only son for my sins, and now Zach was sacrificing for me to prove to me that the guilt of our relationship was no more.
Zachary was an atheist, and for the four years that we had dated we never once talked about our beliefs in God. He knew that I was a devout follower of Christ and that I went to church, volunteered with my community, and worked towards being God’s tangible hand. For the first time, I asked him if he believed in God. His response, “Yes, and You better give me that Job!” He had just applied for a new job that day. He then continued to tell me that we could never be together and that I was going to find someone who loved me and care about me more than he could.
He then drove me home. When standing outside my house, I swore that I saw an angel, a white Jesus like figure. I knew that God was there allowing us to spend our last few minutes together. In the two weeks before his death, I was amazed at how much Zach had matured. He was truly a contributor of our friendship, and no longer was the greedy consumer of my love. We had finally made amends to our relationship; there was no more guilt or sorrow. We could for the first time move on with our lives.
I truly believe that this has been God’s plan the entire time. When I met Zach 6 years ago, God wanted me in his life so that I could show him the love of God. And now, I get to share Zachary’s story with others. I am not one to push religion or God on others, but God gives us the opportunity to spread his love and tell of his greatness. I know that I will one day see Zach again, because I was the one person who had the relational right to confront him about his beliefs.
Upon hearing the tragic news, I was hysterical. I called my spiritual dad and mom (Chuck and Marjie), and they came running to my house in the middle of the night. All I wanted to do was pray. The prayers were messy and sloppy, but Marjie prayed for peace. That night, God was present, and I felt the warmth and gentleness of Zachary’s arms around me. I was able to sleep peacefully. The grieving process is hard, and I feel like I am on an emotional roller coaster. However, I know that God’s grace and peace surrounds me, and that his unfailing love is eternal, much like Zachary’s sprit. At times I am angry at God, and ask him why; yet, God has prepared my heart to be able to rely on him during the hardest event that I have thus endured. Even though I am not home, God has blessed me with a spiritual community that has held my hand and sat with me in my mess during these dark days.
As Dad spoke into my life, “I see the outlines of the trees, but not the color.” He said, “The more that God wants to use us and your story, things will be that much harder.” I said, “Gee thanks!” Right now, I don’t even see the outlines of the trees but the shadows. I know that eventually God will bless me with the ability to see the colors of his most magnificent creation.
For our community devotional, God had placed on my heart to write about relationships. God allowed me to attend Rebekah’s Growth Group that focused on God’s love. God wanted me to write about my struggles of overcoming my struggle with food and my relationships with my ex boyfriend, now best friend Zachary. I went against God and wrote a different devotional. I sent the first to Dan and he replied to me that he needed me to go farther. I finally obeyed, and asked God to give me the words to write about my life, especially my struggles with relationships. I wrote the devotional, for the first time being public about my personal struggles. Despite my fear of what the community would think, I wrote the words that God put on my heart.
On October 11th, the first day of week five (the focus being Relational), Zachary died tragically. Two weeks before this happened, I had the opportunity to see him. We were lying on his bed, when I kissed him. He stopped me and asked me “what are we doing?” He continued and said, “Jessica, you made a promise to God not to be with me, and to give your heart to him. I do not want to be the person who breaks that promise.” I was shocked, confused, thrown off guard. Never had Zach refused me to be intimate with me. He took me in his arms and said, “Jessica, I am sacrificing for you.” Upon hearing those Christ like words, I wept. God had sacrificed his only son for my sins, and now Zach was sacrificing for me to prove to me that the guilt of our relationship was no more.
Zachary was an atheist, and for the four years that we had dated we never once talked about our beliefs in God. He knew that I was a devout follower of Christ and that I went to church, volunteered with my community, and worked towards being God’s tangible hand. For the first time, I asked him if he believed in God. His response, “Yes, and You better give me that Job!” He had just applied for a new job that day. He then continued to tell me that we could never be together and that I was going to find someone who loved me and care about me more than he could.
He then drove me home. When standing outside my house, I swore that I saw an angel, a white Jesus like figure. I knew that God was there allowing us to spend our last few minutes together. In the two weeks before his death, I was amazed at how much Zach had matured. He was truly a contributor of our friendship, and no longer was the greedy consumer of my love. We had finally made amends to our relationship; there was no more guilt or sorrow. We could for the first time move on with our lives.
I truly believe that this has been God’s plan the entire time. When I met Zach 6 years ago, God wanted me in his life so that I could show him the love of God. And now, I get to share Zachary’s story with others. I am not one to push religion or God on others, but God gives us the opportunity to spread his love and tell of his greatness. I know that I will one day see Zach again, because I was the one person who had the relational right to confront him about his beliefs.
Upon hearing the tragic news, I was hysterical. I called my spiritual dad and mom (Chuck and Marjie), and they came running to my house in the middle of the night. All I wanted to do was pray. The prayers were messy and sloppy, but Marjie prayed for peace. That night, God was present, and I felt the warmth and gentleness of Zachary’s arms around me. I was able to sleep peacefully. The grieving process is hard, and I feel like I am on an emotional roller coaster. However, I know that God’s grace and peace surrounds me, and that his unfailing love is eternal, much like Zachary’s sprit. At times I am angry at God, and ask him why; yet, God has prepared my heart to be able to rely on him during the hardest event that I have thus endured. Even though I am not home, God has blessed me with a spiritual community that has held my hand and sat with me in my mess during these dark days.
As Dad spoke into my life, “I see the outlines of the trees, but not the color.” He said, “The more that God wants to use us and your story, things will be that much harder.” I said, “Gee thanks!” Right now, I don’t even see the outlines of the trees but the shadows. I know that eventually God will bless me with the ability to see the colors of his most magnificent creation.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Perspectives!
I know that I have not been writing like I said that I would. God is truly pushing me beyond my limits, seriously taking me to a place where I have never been before: a deeper relationship with him. God has blessed me with many things. My car is sick, my best friend is going on a 3 week trip, school is extremely stressful. I am an emotional wreck; however, I still know that God loves me. I had a great talk with my roommate about putting our trust in God. We cannot trust man, we must trust ourselves to listen and to obey God. Today, Mark talked about hospitality and how the ultimate display of hospitality is sacrifice. Yesterday, I was a huge blessing in a little boys life, sharing with him and his other seven relatives in his family unit extra sandwiches. God wanted me to bless that family, and then as soon as I was done, he said "Okay, Jessica, now it is time for you to receive a blessing!" How hard it is for me to ask someone for help, but God blessed me with this gentleman from my church community that has great knowledge of cars. God works in mysterious ways, Dan didn't have to work yesterday or today and was more than willing to be a blessing in my life. Yesterday, I told Matty that I had no more positive energy within my soul. He laughed at me. He said that I was the most positive person that he knew, and that I just had to keep on keeping on. After spending the afternoon with Dan, his positive outlook on life lifted my spirit. I was able to have a wonderful conversation with Jennie, and spread the love and positivity with God at church this morning. I volunteered in the Red Eye at church this morning and blessed many people with coffee beverages! Thanks to Dan and Matty's positive perspectives on the bad that life hands us, I am able to thank God for blessing me with the opportunity to grow my friendship with Dan, and the opportunity to let Matt help me emotionally.
Matt sent me this song. His directions are: don't think to deeply about the song, just breath and be! :)
http://ilike.myspacecdn.com/play#Jeremy+Kay:Breathe:4524941:s22065339.11514983.10864322.0.2.183%2Cstd_1eb9492a9b4e48f781da24299e4ed692
So friends, I encourage you to go out there, be the tangible hand of Christ. Bless the world by breathing and being you. No matter what side of the camera you are on, try taking a different look.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
The merciful power of God.
This morning I woke up, and I have started saying my morning prayers while driving to the gym. I thanked my daddy for blessing me with all of his greatfulness, for putting people in my life, and for walking this journey with me.
After the gym I changed my facebook status to:
I am learning how to be intentional! I intentionally get up at 5:30 to work out at 7. I Intentionally eat healthy so that I can have sustained energy all day. I do not intentionally spend money or procrastinate...Lord, help me be more intentional!
I talked to Rebekah about her growth group tonight.
The first going deeper question is "How disciplined are you?" She decided that it was too broad of a question, so she asked her group to give a rating for how discipline they are in their faith with Jesus Christ. To answer this question, on a 1- 10 scale I would say that I am at a 5. At times I feel that I am extremely obedient and at other times I falter and let my obsessions over take my body. I am going to take the next 7 weeks and try to get my 5 to be a 10, so that in the long run my ultimate healing will be a 5.5. Healing takes time.
Today, God blessed me. God made his will ultimately known to me. I was in my office working on some homework, when I received a phone call that has changed my life. The person on the other end of the phone was the scholarship and award officer for the college of education at FSU. He informed me that I was recommended for a scholarship. I didn't believe him. I asked what I had to do to obtain the scholarship. I asked how it was possible. He informed me that one of the deans said that I deserved the money. This is a complete act of Gods grace.
This financial help from God is not a supplement in helping me with my bills. I am not sure what this money is intended for, but God has a plan for using the money in my life. God has something big planned. I must be obedient to his will, and listen to him. Like Pastor Mark said on Sunday, we don't want to get wrapped up in the good things when we could be missing out on the best thing. Whatever the best thing is that God has planned for me, I must be ready to go. I must live like a pauper and prepare my body, mind, and soul for accomplishing a mission that is yet unknown.
My facebook status is now:
God you are higher than any other! Thank you loving me today and always! If you ask, God will provide. He is more merciful than ever. Power to the peaceful, because He is peace!
A rough start...
Yesterday morning I wrote:
“God always takes us out father than we want to go. This morning upon waking up at the farm (Rebekah is farm sitting), she found one of Patty and Dave’s dogs dead. The crazy thing is that not a lot of people had slept well Sunday night. She passed away during the night, and later we found out that she was sick. How does one deal with this situation of the emotional trauma? What are you suppose to do? I prayed for God to give Rebekah guidance and peace.”
Last night I wrote:
“ Today was rough! But I was able to accomplish what I needed to as far as completing my assignments with reading and writing. Something that I need to learn to do is to be intentional with my finances. My goal is to eat the healthiest that I can while spending the least amount of money.”
After I wrote this I went through all of my finances and figured out how much all of monthly bills were going to cost me. I realized that I was not making enough money. I was stressed and anxious. I went to God and prayed that he would provide for me and that he would show me what I needed to do.
“ Today was rough! But I was able to accomplish what I needed to as far as completing my assignments with reading and writing. Something that I need to learn to do is to be intentional with my finances. My goal is to eat the healthiest that I can while spending the least amount of money.”
After I wrote this I went through all of my finances and figured out how much all of monthly bills were going to cost me. I realized that I was not making enough money. I was stressed and anxious. I went to God and prayed that he would provide for me and that he would show me what I needed to do.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Intentionality
“Don’t you realize that in a race everyone runs, but only one person gets the prize? So run to win! All Athletes are disciplines in their training. They do it to win a prize that will fade away, but we do it for an eternal prize. So I run with purpose in every step. I am not just shadowboxing. I discipline my body like an athlete, training it to do what it should. Otherwise, I fear that after preaching to others I myself might be disqualified” (1 Corinthians 9:20- 27).
Do you know what a group of rhinoceros is called? The collective group is called a "charge"! Charging is their primary means of attack because they are the second largest mammal; however, they are only able to see thirty feet in front of them. This implies that while they are charging at something they have no idea what is at thirty-one feet; therefore, the object must move in order to survive. What does this imply for humans who are seeking spiritual healing? This is a metaphor for running towards a spiritual life with God. Whatever is my way must move so that I can run with reckless abandon towards my eternal prize.
God has placed me at Element 3 Church here in Tallahassee over a year ago. I have learned a great deal and have been blessed by a community that welcomes me just as I am: broken and messy. In the next seven weeks, this community had made the commitment to run towards God through the program called Pathways: Prime. The mission statement is to: make, mature, and mobilize fully devoted followers of Christ. We are doing this by focusing on “I CHARGE” the seven elements that represent our community: Intentionality, Culturally Current, Hospitality, Authenticity, Relational, Grace, and Excellence.
For these seven weeks I have devoted to myself as a time to give of my relationship status to Jesus. I want to fall more in love with Jesus than anyone else. I am giving my body, mind, and soul over to God to mold me into his tangible hand. I have promised myself that I am going to journal/blog about my journey and that I am going to share my journey with this community. I encourage you to keep up with my daily postings for the next seven weeks.
I want to start off today by talking about where I am in my life right now. Recently, I have found myself feeling lonely and longing for someone in my life that adores my quirks, loves the passion of my soul, and is attracted to me. I even went as far as to ask God to put someone in my life. God answers prayers, but he does so to help us learn and with greater intentions than we ever think is possible. A few months ago, I found myself in relationship that was not only horizontal and not vertical, but extremely hurtful for my soul. These past few weeks a new gentleman has come into my life and has flattered me by continuously telling me how attractive I am. This boosted my confidence; however, God told me that something was not right. I could feel in the pit of my stomach that this was not the relationship that God had intended on me having. I received multiple confirmations on this, and thank God for allowing me to be able to recognize when my spirit was being attacked by arrows. If I would not have had my pervious relation with this pervious person, then I would have accepted the arrow as truth and been hurt more severely. In seven weeks, I hope that I am closer to being a more whole person who will soon be able to give of myself to another person. I long for intimacy, but right now being in perfect relationship with God is more than sufficient.
This morning I went on a 16 mile bike ride with two great friends. We rode down to the St. Mark’s light house and watched the sun rise from its sleepy slumber. In today’s devotional, Rebekah Abbott quotes Psalm 46:10, “Be still and know that I am God!” Our community is encouraged to take 10 minutes to pray and listen to God, and I pass on that encouragement.
May we charge on learning and growing every day.
Do you know what a group of rhinoceros is called? The collective group is called a "charge"! Charging is their primary means of attack because they are the second largest mammal; however, they are only able to see thirty feet in front of them. This implies that while they are charging at something they have no idea what is at thirty-one feet; therefore, the object must move in order to survive. What does this imply for humans who are seeking spiritual healing? This is a metaphor for running towards a spiritual life with God. Whatever is my way must move so that I can run with reckless abandon towards my eternal prize.
God has placed me at Element 3 Church here in Tallahassee over a year ago. I have learned a great deal and have been blessed by a community that welcomes me just as I am: broken and messy. In the next seven weeks, this community had made the commitment to run towards God through the program called Pathways: Prime. The mission statement is to: make, mature, and mobilize fully devoted followers of Christ. We are doing this by focusing on “I CHARGE” the seven elements that represent our community: Intentionality, Culturally Current, Hospitality, Authenticity, Relational, Grace, and Excellence.
For these seven weeks I have devoted to myself as a time to give of my relationship status to Jesus. I want to fall more in love with Jesus than anyone else. I am giving my body, mind, and soul over to God to mold me into his tangible hand. I have promised myself that I am going to journal/blog about my journey and that I am going to share my journey with this community. I encourage you to keep up with my daily postings for the next seven weeks.
I want to start off today by talking about where I am in my life right now. Recently, I have found myself feeling lonely and longing for someone in my life that adores my quirks, loves the passion of my soul, and is attracted to me. I even went as far as to ask God to put someone in my life. God answers prayers, but he does so to help us learn and with greater intentions than we ever think is possible. A few months ago, I found myself in relationship that was not only horizontal and not vertical, but extremely hurtful for my soul. These past few weeks a new gentleman has come into my life and has flattered me by continuously telling me how attractive I am. This boosted my confidence; however, God told me that something was not right. I could feel in the pit of my stomach that this was not the relationship that God had intended on me having. I received multiple confirmations on this, and thank God for allowing me to be able to recognize when my spirit was being attacked by arrows. If I would not have had my pervious relation with this pervious person, then I would have accepted the arrow as truth and been hurt more severely. In seven weeks, I hope that I am closer to being a more whole person who will soon be able to give of myself to another person. I long for intimacy, but right now being in perfect relationship with God is more than sufficient.
This morning I went on a 16 mile bike ride with two great friends. We rode down to the St. Mark’s light house and watched the sun rise from its sleepy slumber. In today’s devotional, Rebekah Abbott quotes Psalm 46:10, “Be still and know that I am God!” Our community is encouraged to take 10 minutes to pray and listen to God, and I pass on that encouragement.
May we charge on learning and growing every day.
Friday, September 3, 2010
Aloe for Life
Hey friends!
This is a quick posting, and hopefully soon I will be able to fill you in on the craziness that I call my life. Right now though, I want to share with you a website based on a man who has helped change my life. His name is Cephas, and he is my aloe man!
Aloe Vera is extremely beneficial to the body both internally and externally. In February, when Matt and I went to Tampa to have the mercury removed from his teeth, we wanted to check out the Ybor City, FL aloe man. Upon meeting him he told me some interesting things about my health. He said that I was 1) allergic to shell fish 2) over weight and 3) my digestive system was not working properly. I was amazed that he knew all of this without even giving me a health survey. He made Matt and I chug 3 tall glasses of aloe juice: aloe, water, and ice. He also informed us that it would improve the quality of our skin if we scrubbed our faces with it daily.
Now, Matt and I use aloe nearly everyday. I put it in my smoothies, and then rub the tough slimy skin all over my face. Before we go out into the sun, instead of sun block we use aloe. After we have been at the springs, we moisturize with it. Also my hair loves it!
Here is Cephas's website, check him out: http://www.cephashotshop.com/
This was one of the first steps in getting my health back into balance. Take my advice, drinking aloe everyday will shed excess weight.
Much love!
Cheers.
This is a quick posting, and hopefully soon I will be able to fill you in on the craziness that I call my life. Right now though, I want to share with you a website based on a man who has helped change my life. His name is Cephas, and he is my aloe man!
Aloe Vera is extremely beneficial to the body both internally and externally. In February, when Matt and I went to Tampa to have the mercury removed from his teeth, we wanted to check out the Ybor City, FL aloe man. Upon meeting him he told me some interesting things about my health. He said that I was 1) allergic to shell fish 2) over weight and 3) my digestive system was not working properly. I was amazed that he knew all of this without even giving me a health survey. He made Matt and I chug 3 tall glasses of aloe juice: aloe, water, and ice. He also informed us that it would improve the quality of our skin if we scrubbed our faces with it daily.
Now, Matt and I use aloe nearly everyday. I put it in my smoothies, and then rub the tough slimy skin all over my face. Before we go out into the sun, instead of sun block we use aloe. After we have been at the springs, we moisturize with it. Also my hair loves it!
Here is Cephas's website, check him out: http://www.cephashotshop.com/
This was one of the first steps in getting my health back into balance. Take my advice, drinking aloe everyday will shed excess weight.
Much love!
Cheers.
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